Listen and Love
Many of us have never really learned to listen well. We’ve learned to be selective listeners—sifting information, ignoring details, and allowing ourselves to be distracted by everything around us.
In today’s media-driven world, we’re often living on information overload. We have concerns at work, at home, with the kids, with friends, in our communities, in our nation, and around the world. That breeds distraction, and we have to proactively be careful not to allow the cares of the world to break down our relationships; we have to choose to listen carefully to those we love.
To listen well, you have to be considerate of the other person’s need to communicate with you. That means you have to choose to shut out the distractions around you and engage with that person with your whole being—your eyes, ears, and heart. You need to give him or her your undivided attention.
Sometimes just shutting off the music or muting the television shows interest and respect for the other person and contributes to good communication. Other times, it might take going for a walk together or a drive to get away from the distractions of home.
The truth is, Dale and I still struggle with this. We might be in separate rooms or even on separate floors, but we somehow think that one of us will magically tune in to what the other is saying. Over time we’ve begun to recognize moments that are best suited to talking and sharing and moments that aren’t. We’ve learned that when we’re driving in traffic, it’s hard for us to concentrate on a deep discussion.
Dale knows that when I’m in my writing mode and on the computer, it’s hard for me to listen well or try to have a discussion. We laugh about it. We try to do better. But the reality is that we’re still working on improving our listening skills and changing our tendency to try to communicate when one of us is busy or distracted.
How have you learned to listen well? I’d love to know!
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
A Valentine’s Gift That Keeps on Giving
In our living room there is a symbol we used in our wedding ceremony. It’s a three-strand cord of red, white, and gold. For us, it symbolizes that the commitment we made to marriage wasn’t just between the two of us. The covenant was made by three of us, with God at the center. Scripture says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
A commitment to marry is more than just signing a contract. Marriage is a sacred covenant, a plan God created for our benefit. Covenant promises are unconditional; there are no escape clauses and/or money-back guarantees. Covenants are made on the foundations of faith and love, and they are permanent.
We all know couples, maybe even our own parents, who divorced. Maybe they just grew tired of each other. Or maybe the marriage was plagued by abuse, addiction, or infidelity. Whatever the reason, the couple broke the commitment they made to each other, and the painful consequences of their choice affected many others besides themselves.
But most of us also know couples who have been married for decades and are happy despite the challenges they’ve faced through the years. Our friends Bob and Gayle celebrated 60 years together before he passed away. They loved each other dearly, were the closest of companions, and remained deeply committed to each other. As Dale says, “When we grow up, let’s be just like them!” These are the kinds of couples who can give us hope for our marriages.
So for this Valentine’s Day, Dale and I will renew our covenant commitment to each other. We just can’t think of another gift as good as that!
What does covenant mean to you? I’d love to know!
Adapted from Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
Copping a Money ‘Tude
“When we married, we wanted to be responsible for our own past financial obligations so that we would be fair to each other,” Marcos says. “But we continually work together to tweak our joint budget.”
How did your parents handle money? Your financial experiences will affect your marriage, so it would be wise for you to discuss these questions together as soon as you can. How have your life experiences as individuals affected your views of money? If you haven’t already, take a few minutes and answer the following questions about your family of origin:
• Did you grow up rich, poor, or middle class?
• Were you secure or insecure about money?
• Did your family have money secrets or difficulties, or was there never enough?
• Did you see generosity, good shopping habits, and careful planning in your family?
• Was work more important than family or having fun more important than wise money management?
• Did family members gamble, overspend, or have a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses mentality?
• Were there emergency savings, tithing, charitable giving, and paying off credit cards monthly?
• Did your family recycle, sacrifice when needed, save, invest, or use coupons?
• Did your family expect to have the latest fashions, the newest technology, club memberships, new vehicles, furniture, and travel—even when they couldn’t afford it?
• Do peer pressures tend to push you to live beyond your means?
All these attitudes and experiences directly or indirectly influence the way you think about money. Assess their positive or negative influences on your life to determine your views regarding money and finances. Discuss these questions together as a couple and see what you can learn.
How have you learned to handle money through the years? I’d love to know!
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
Learning to Discern
Sometimes it’s so hard to discern what’s going on in your life emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually. Something is off kilter, but you just can’t put your hands on it. You’re not quite yourself. You’re edgy. You’re frustrated. You’re tense. Or your marriage relationship isn’t quite right. You’re distant. Distracted. Touchy.
And then it hits you.
It’s been days since you’ve prayed or spent quality time with God. Or you and your mate have gotten so busy that you’ve hardly shared a kiss or a conversation. Or maybe you’ve gotten hooked on a television show or novel that’s not good for your soul. Or perhaps you’ve been hanging out with a friend who loves to gossip and put her husband down. Now what?
Learning to discern such things is a spiritual gift, and a discipline, that you can cultivate in your life. 1 Corinthians 2:10-14 talks about this gift; it’s the ability to judge between good and evil, and then it’s choosing to live in the light of God’s truth. That’s what makes the difference.
Discernment comes when you understand what God wants for you personally and for your marriage. But wisdom comes when you choose to obey His truth. Sometimes it’s choosing to spend more time in prayer or the word, more time together as a couple, and less time with unhealthy friends or media. Sometimes it’s simply applying common sense to something. Other times it takes stepping back and observing a situation and praying, reading God’s word, and finding the truth in the matter.
Proverbs 3:21 says, “do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion”. In our personal lives as well as in our marriages, we need wisdom and understanding more than ever. Our culture has become so tainted with the “wisdom of this world” that it can become difficult to make daily decisions and choose well if we don’t have the plumb line of God’s truth to anchor us well.
God loves me and wants the best for me. It’s not about me. Marriage is for life. Marriage is about us and what God wants to do with us. Marriage is about serving one another, not getting my needs met. Marriage is about growing together in God. And often, marriage is about sacrificing my wants for the good of another.
Discerning between God’s truth and worldly wisdom isn’t always easy, but learning to discern wisely is the best way to strengthen your personal life and your marriage relationship spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. It’s a good way to go.
How have you learned to discern through the years? I’d love to know!
Water Your Marriage
I have a spider plant that just won’t stop making babies. I really don’t do much with the plant, but I faithfully water it, give it plenty of sunshine, and fertilize it once a month. So it happily grows and grows. In fact, it grows so fast and multiplies so often that I have made several Facebook posts asking friends to come and adopt the baby spider plants!
Our marriage is much like a plant. When we marry, we plant our little seedlings of love, and then we watch it grow. But as time goes on, if we don’t water it regularly, our marriage can wither and die if it isn’t cared for faithfully. And if we don’t give it sunshine and fertilize it consistently, it won’t be healthy.
We have to be purposeful about “watering” our marriage. We must consciously make the effort to sprinkle lots of encouragement, words of affirmation and love, acts of kindness and service, and gifts of mercy and grace. And we must do this regularly. We must cheer one another on and watch our baby plants of love, commitment, faithfulness, trust, and companionship grow and multiply so that we can then give to others.
Sometimes I’ll find a weed in my plant, and if I don’t get it out of there, it’ll take over and kill my plant. But as I get rid of the weed, I must be careful that I don’t damage it or its roots, so I do it gently. I first water it, because, if the soil is moist, pulling the weed out is much safer and easier. Like my plant, sometimes we’ll find a “weed” in our marriage—an attitude, a bad habit, a neglectful trend, etc.—and although we need to pull it out, we must be gentle and wise and careful that we don’t hurt our relationship in the process.
1 Corinthians 3:6-9 shows us God’s process of growth. We water and weed and tend our marriage garden, and as we work with God, our marriage will grow stronger, deeper, and more productive. And as we ask for his wisdom, God will open our eyes to knowing how to water our marriages, how to deal with the weeds, and how to fertilize our relationship so it will continue to grow. Ask Him; He will show us how to make our marriage thrive.
How do you water your marriage? I’d love to know!
Micro-Seasons in Marriage
Ecclesiastes says “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”. That includes those micro-seasons of marriage within every day, week, and year.
So how do you manage those micro-seasons of marriage? Let’s look at Ecclesiastes 3 and see what guidance it might bring, especially as we head into the New Year. Now is a great time to evaluate your marriage and see what you might need to explore.
A time to be born and a time to die. Are there negative things in your schedule that need to “die” and new things you might want to “birth”?
A time to plant and a time to uproot. Are there habits that you might need to uproot or new habits that you may want to plant?
A time to kill and a time to heal. Might there be some toxic things in your marriage that you need to kill, or do you need to take some time to heal from them?
A time to tear down and a time to build. Can there be some walls built up between the two of you that need tearing down, or walls of protection you need to build up?
A time to weep and a time to laugh. Do your conversations go deep enough that you can both weep and laugh together?
A time to mourn and a time to dance. Do you share one another’s grief and mourn together as well as celebrate each other’s accomplishments and dance together?
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. Are there stones of accusations or bitterness that you need to lay down, or stones of remembrance you need to gather?
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Do you take time to romance each other and are wise about showing affection at the appropriate times?
A time to search and a time to give up. Are there things you need to discuss and explore, or other things you need to give up discussing?
A time to keep and a time to throw away. Might there be things of the past you need to revisit—or throw away—in order to strengthen your relationship?
A time to tear and a time to mend. Are there fences that need mending or offenses that need tearing up?
A time to be silent and a time to speak. Are you careful about knowing when to speak and when to be silent, especially when trying to resolve conflict?
A time to love and a time to hate. Is there sin in your life that you need to hate so that you can really love?
A time for war and a time for peace. Is there peace—and not war—in your marriage?
Just a little food for thought for the New Year. May your marriage be blessed in 2014!