A High View of Blending Family Life
When there are kids in the home, it’s often critical for you as a couple to take a long-term view of family life. Yes, in the short term, you’ll probably be sacrificing many of your wants and desires—and sometimes even your needs—so you can meet the needs of your children. But it’s important to keep the end in mind; in most cases, one day your kids will be grown and moving on, and then you’ll have greater freedom to make more personal choices as a couple.
There are lots of variables, especially if you’re a blending family. One of you may have a highly needy child at home; the other might not. One of you may strongly feel that every need your child has should supersede your spouse’s or your own needs, while the other might not. Both of you may have severely needy kids who will require a lot of you and your marriage.
How will you maintain a healthy marriage with these kinds of pressures and sacrifices? Although you must always keep your marriage relationship the top priority, self-sacrifice is often imperative during this season of family life, so it’s important to plan for these challenges. Talk about all this openly and honestly now so you’ll avoid surprises later.
In reality, in a blending-family situation, so much of your success will come down to the attitude you have toward facing and overcoming the issues that arise, including meeting each other’s needs. “I think that good will is huge,” Linda says. “Rick and I desire to bless each other, and we want to fulfill each other’s needs. Sometimes those include the needs of each other’s children—and grandchildren!”
“We don’t measure or keep score to see who’s done more,” Rick says. “We just serve.”
“Because I see so much integrity and character in Rick, I really encourage his interaction with my sons,” Linda says. “His example is important; he’s a great role model for them. And he doesn’t have to be ‘the dad’ to make a difference. He just draws them into his world and shows them how to be men of integrity. As he mentors them, he meets my need to see my sons have a good example in their lives.”
Blending a family needs a long-term view. You’re in it for the long haul. If you keep a good attitude, remain flexible, and serve unselfishly, you’ll be flying high.
How do you cope with the challenges of blending a family? I’d love to know!
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
Prepare for Your Marriage
Many couples get engaged on Valentine’s Day and find them busy with preparing for their wedding. But less than 30 percent of couples actually prepare for the rest of their lives together by reading premarital books, taking a premarital class, or attending counseling sessions. That’s tragic, so we hope and pray that this year that pathetic statistic will change. Here’s a real-life story that shows why this is important.
Jenny met Chris at a church function, and the two struck up a conversation. She was amazed at how much they had in common. They could talk endlessly, never tiring of each other. After just a few months of dating, both felt convinced that they belonged together. They had a whirlwind wedding, eagerly jumping headfirst into married life.
But within weeks Jenny discovered that Chris was an avid video gamer. She couldn’t believe how much time and money he was willing to invest in games. Chris soon realized that Jenny enjoyed entertaining. His introverted nature clashed with her desire to invite friends over every weekend.
It didn’t take long for annoying habits and different personalities and interests to drive the two apart. More than once Jenny asked herself what she’d seen in Chris at the beginning. And Chris wondered why he had once thought they had so much in common.
After years of counseling and mentoring couples of all ages and backgrounds, we’ve identified a number of red flags that should alert you to possible trouble spots in a relationship. That’s why premarital counseling is so important.
If danger signs show up in your relationship, be sure to slow down and reevaluate your relationship, taking the time to see if there is a possible resolution before you move ahead. You might talk with a pastor, counselor, or trusted mentor regarding your concerns. You might want to read a premarital book such as Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage.
And if you know a couple who has red flags blazing bright, encourage them to get some premarital counseling, check out our book(s), and plead with them do the work ahead of time—before they end up like Jenny and Chris!
What was the most surprising thing you learned in your premarital preparation? I’d love to know!
Adapted from Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
Listen and Love
Many of us have never really learned to listen well. We’ve learned to be selective listeners—sifting information, ignoring details, and allowing ourselves to be distracted by everything around us.
In today’s media-driven world, we’re often living on information overload. We have concerns at work, at home, with the kids, with friends, in our communities, in our nation, and around the world. That breeds distraction, and we have to proactively be careful not to allow the cares of the world to break down our relationships; we have to choose to listen carefully to those we love.
To listen well, you have to be considerate of the other person’s need to communicate with you. That means you have to choose to shut out the distractions around you and engage with that person with your whole being—your eyes, ears, and heart. You need to give him or her your undivided attention.
Sometimes just shutting off the music or muting the television shows interest and respect for the other person and contributes to good communication. Other times, it might take going for a walk together or a drive to get away from the distractions of home.
The truth is, Dale and I still struggle with this. We might be in separate rooms or even on separate floors, but we somehow think that one of us will magically tune in to what the other is saying. Over time we’ve begun to recognize moments that are best suited to talking and sharing and moments that aren’t. We’ve learned that when we’re driving in traffic, it’s hard for us to concentrate on a deep discussion.
Dale knows that when I’m in my writing mode and on the computer, it’s hard for me to listen well or try to have a discussion. We laugh about it. We try to do better. But the reality is that we’re still working on improving our listening skills and changing our tendency to try to communicate when one of us is busy or distracted.
How have you learned to listen well? I’d love to know!
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
A Valentine’s Gift That Keeps on Giving
In our living room there is a symbol we used in our wedding ceremony. It’s a three-strand cord of red, white, and gold. For us, it symbolizes that the commitment we made to marriage wasn’t just between the two of us. The covenant was made by three of us, with God at the center. Scripture says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
A commitment to marry is more than just signing a contract. Marriage is a sacred covenant, a plan God created for our benefit. Covenant promises are unconditional; there are no escape clauses and/or money-back guarantees. Covenants are made on the foundations of faith and love, and they are permanent.
We all know couples, maybe even our own parents, who divorced. Maybe they just grew tired of each other. Or maybe the marriage was plagued by abuse, addiction, or infidelity. Whatever the reason, the couple broke the commitment they made to each other, and the painful consequences of their choice affected many others besides themselves.
But most of us also know couples who have been married for decades and are happy despite the challenges they’ve faced through the years. Our friends Bob and Gayle celebrated 60 years together before he passed away. They loved each other dearly, were the closest of companions, and remained deeply committed to each other. As Dale says, “When we grow up, let’s be just like them!” These are the kinds of couples who can give us hope for our marriages.
So for this Valentine’s Day, Dale and I will renew our covenant commitment to each other. We just can’t think of another gift as good as that!
What does covenant mean to you? I’d love to know!
Adapted from Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
Copping a Money ‘Tude
“When we married, we wanted to be responsible for our own past financial obligations so that we would be fair to each other,” Marcos says. “But we continually work together to tweak our joint budget.”
How did your parents handle money? Your financial experiences will affect your marriage, so it would be wise for you to discuss these questions together as soon as you can. How have your life experiences as individuals affected your views of money? If you haven’t already, take a few minutes and answer the following questions about your family of origin:
• Did you grow up rich, poor, or middle class?
• Were you secure or insecure about money?
• Did your family have money secrets or difficulties, or was there never enough?
• Did you see generosity, good shopping habits, and careful planning in your family?
• Was work more important than family or having fun more important than wise money management?
• Did family members gamble, overspend, or have a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses mentality?
• Were there emergency savings, tithing, charitable giving, and paying off credit cards monthly?
• Did your family recycle, sacrifice when needed, save, invest, or use coupons?
• Did your family expect to have the latest fashions, the newest technology, club memberships, new vehicles, furniture, and travel—even when they couldn’t afford it?
• Do peer pressures tend to push you to live beyond your means?
All these attitudes and experiences directly or indirectly influence the way you think about money. Assess their positive or negative influences on your life to determine your views regarding money and finances. Discuss these questions together as a couple and see what you can learn.
How have you learned to handle money through the years? I’d love to know!
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness. Copyright © 2014, all rights reserved.
Learning to Discern
Sometimes it’s so hard to discern what’s going on in your life emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually. Something is off kilter, but you just can’t put your hands on it. You’re not quite yourself. You’re edgy. You’re frustrated. You’re tense. Or your marriage relationship isn’t quite right. You’re distant. Distracted. Touchy.
And then it hits you.
It’s been days since you’ve prayed or spent quality time with God. Or you and your mate have gotten so busy that you’ve hardly shared a kiss or a conversation. Or maybe you’ve gotten hooked on a television show or novel that’s not good for your soul. Or perhaps you’ve been hanging out with a friend who loves to gossip and put her husband down. Now what?
Learning to discern such things is a spiritual gift, and a discipline, that you can cultivate in your life. 1 Corinthians 2:10-14 talks about this gift; it’s the ability to judge between good and evil, and then it’s choosing to live in the light of God’s truth. That’s what makes the difference.
Discernment comes when you understand what God wants for you personally and for your marriage. But wisdom comes when you choose to obey His truth. Sometimes it’s choosing to spend more time in prayer or the word, more time together as a couple, and less time with unhealthy friends or media. Sometimes it’s simply applying common sense to something. Other times it takes stepping back and observing a situation and praying, reading God’s word, and finding the truth in the matter.
Proverbs 3:21 says, “do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion”. In our personal lives as well as in our marriages, we need wisdom and understanding more than ever. Our culture has become so tainted with the “wisdom of this world” that it can become difficult to make daily decisions and choose well if we don’t have the plumb line of God’s truth to anchor us well.
God loves me and wants the best for me. It’s not about me. Marriage is for life. Marriage is about us and what God wants to do with us. Marriage is about serving one another, not getting my needs met. Marriage is about growing together in God. And often, marriage is about sacrificing my wants for the good of another.
Discerning between God’s truth and worldly wisdom isn’t always easy, but learning to discern wisely is the best way to strengthen your personal life and your marriage relationship spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. It’s a good way to go.
How have you learned to discern through the years? I’d love to know!