A Honeymoon That Never Ends
Remember how thrilling your dating days were? And what about those happy honeymoon memories? I bet you wished it would never end, right? Well, it really doesn’t. Though you may not be able to stay on the cruise or Caribbean island or in that cozy mountain cabin, and though you may have lots of commitments, kids, and responsibilities that weren’t with you on your honeymoon, you can still keep the passion and romance that was present on your honeymoon.
People might think I’m sappy, strange, or silly, but I’m of the opinion that your relationship really can get better and better with time—if you’re willing to invest the time and energy to keep it growing.
I know it’s true; I’m living it every day.
I’m not bragging. I just want everyone to experience what we get to enjoy. Yes, it takes work, determination, sacrifice, and intentionality. But it can be done. It’s deciding every day to choose to love your mate fully—that day.
I know what you’re thinking. No one can ever do it all right every day. And you’d be correct.
We get busy. Distracted. Frustrated. Tired. Even bored. But we can choose to keep working at it, keep moving forward, and keep creating an atmosphere of love, romance, and intimacy that feels like your honeymoon days, even when you mess up.
It’s an amazing thing, really. You keep on trying to show your love, to share your love, to speak your love for the other. And you try to meet their deepest needs. After all, isn’t that what you did on your honeymoon?
And what about the fun that was such a big part of your honeymoon? You made time for laughing and playing and being silly. And you took time to rest and be intimate.
I encourage you to go back to the basics. Take some time to look at your dating, wedding, and honeymoon pictures, and remember what made that season so special. Then do it. Just do it all over again.
The honeymoon doesn’t have to end. Really.
What do you do to keep the honeymoon in your marriage? I’d love to know!
Reconnecting with Your Spouse
We hear it from couples over and over again. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how long you’ve been married, if you have kids at home, or grandkids near or far. Life is busy. And in the midst of our busyness, it’s easy to find ourselves disconnected from our spouses. So what are some simple ways to get reconnected without an expensive weekend get-away—or counseling sessions? Try a few of these; you both may like them.
- Be intentional. Sync your schedules each week, and plan on time together.
- Get out your photo album and share memories together.
- Break the bedroom routine. Enjoy time together on the living room floor or another unusual place (when the kids aren’t around, of course).
- Write a love note and put it on your mate’s car seat.
- Create a Bucket List together.
- Watch old home movies together.
- Write “I love you” in lipstick on your mate’s mirror.
- Check out your baby pictures together.
- Do something your husband or wife loves, even if you don’t. That shoulder-to-shoulder and romantic stuff really matters.
- Make your dates unusual. Skip the dinner and a movie thing and go to a park, enjoy the zoo, a museum, or dancing. Mix it up and keep it fresh.
- Do chores together. Doing the dishes together gives you time to talk and lessens the workload.
- Massage each other’s shoulders. Rub his arm while watching TV. Stroke her hair while you cuddle. Touching is good.
- Walk around the neighborhood and pray for your neighbors.
- Make a new recipe together.
- Write a “What I appreciate about you list” for your mate.
There are endless possibilities—little things you can do to reconnect. If you’re interested in receiving ways to reconnect, I send out tweets Monday-Friday that provide ways for you to do just that. Every Monday you’ll get a question you can talk about together. On Tuesday you’ll receive a thought-provoking idea to spark your imagination and discuss. On Wednesday you’ll get a link to my blog, “Enjoy the Journey”. On Thursday you’ll receive an idea for doing something fun together. On Friday I’ll provide a date idea for you to enjoy. Whatever you do, as couples, stay connected.
What are some ways you stay connected as a couple? I’d love to know!
Copping an Attitude
I recently heard a thought-provoking quote: “Attitude is the librarian of our past, the speaker of our present, and the prophet of our future.” As we work with couples, we often find “attitudes” to be sticking points, so I’m pondering this one, especially regarding marriage.
Attitude is the librarian of our past? We tend to base our attitudes on all the volumes of information we’ve accumulated through our experiences with our family of origin, our parents, and past relationships. Based on our past, we think that our relationship should be this way or that, but why should we use those “chapters of our past” and compare our marriage with them? My mother never did that! My dad wouldn’t do it that way! But should we hold on to “attitudes” based on our past? My advice? Write your own book!
Attitude is the speaker of our present? As the years go by, there are personality quirks and “pet peeves” that tend to be part of who we are. But after years of those patterns, they can rub us the wrong way until we can cop a pretty lousy attitude toward our loved one. Why does he still leave the toilet seat up? or Why does she always fold the towels this way? Sometimes, maturity is holding our tongue and letting things like that go. In the scope of doing life together, there are so many things that we can file away in our mental and emotional libraries that can become just plain silly. Let them go!
Attitude is the prophet of our future? When a bad attitude becomes a regular habit, it can affect our relationship, sometimes irreparably hurting your marriage. Nagging. Put downs. Sacrasm. Condescension. These are toxic attitudes that can destroy your marriage if you let it. Just don’t!
Your attitude is an outward reflection of your heart, and it is reflected in your face, your countenance, and your words. But in the end, attitude is a choice! Right attitudes bring God’s favor, direction, and blessing, while bad attitudes have negative consequences.
Is there someone or something that is influencing your attitude? A friend? A TV show? Sin? 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be misled: ‘bad company corrupts good character’.”
Anchor your attitude—toward your mate and your marriage—in God’s truth. Allow God to influence the attitudes you have toward your spouse, and when you get a little off kilter (and we all do), simply repent and choose to turn your attitude around. Allow your heart to be transformed and your attitude and relationship will be transformed too.
How do you maintain a godly attitude toward your mate? I’d love to know.
A Marriage Made for More
What would marriage look like if we applied John 10:10 to it? “I have come that they may have life, and have life to the full.”
When a couple walks down the aisle on their wedding day, it’s their hope—and intention—that they’ll have a full and abundant marriage, a married life full of joy and peace, confidence and love. But as the days, months, and years go by, too often they simply get a little apathetic and settle for less.
That is not God’s plan for any marriage.
God wants each of us to live an abundant and full marriage. It takes work. It takes intentionality. And it takes lots of love and patience—and sometimes even longsuffering. But that’s just part of the marriage journey.
John 15:16-17 says, “I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.”
So how do we live in an abundant marriage, love each other, and as a couple bear fruit that will last?
First, know that you are made for a purpose as a couple. Pray together, and ask God to help you know what that purpose is. Ask Him to help you work on making your relationship more abundant every day. When you fail at any of this—and you will—know that God forgives, and be sure to forgive one another. Part of living an abundant marriage, a marriage that is made for more, has lots of forgiveness in it.
Second, we are made to participate in God’s plan. He wants every person on this planet to have His abundance, His “more”. And He has a role for each of us to play in His plan—a ministry for us to do. As a couple, what might that be? Dale and I have discovered that there is nothing more bonding than serving God together.
What can you do to share the truth that God wants every person, every couple to have more of His abundance? It might be mentoring younger couples, serving in the premarital or marriage ministry, watching the children so a young couple can have a date night. There are endless opportunities to help people along their journey to an abundant life.
Third, when things get tough in your marriage, stand on His promises, and know that He is with you. Know that He wants more for your marriage. Yes, there will be times of frustration and trouble, but He will be with you as you work together to discover that abundant life together. Hold on to a long-term view of your marriage, stand firm, and don’t give up.
What can you do today, this week, this month to have a full, abundant and “more” marriage? I’d love to know!
Don’t Let The Myths Get You Down
There are so many blending family myths out there—thoughts that cast dark shadows on the redemptive work God can do in a remarriage that is under His control. Sure, remarriage and blending a family is definitely more complex. But it can also be a place of healing, hope, and redemption like none other. So I’d like to address a few of these, just to bring a little perspective to the topic and to bring remarrying couples some blending family hope.
The myth of being forever broken: When a marriage ends, whether through death or divorce, there are hurts, healing, and adjustments to be made. But research shows that eighty percent of children do heal and recover—if they journey through it surrounded by love and security. So provide that safe haven, and hang in there for the long haul.
The myth of a seamless adjustment: When couples remarry, they often have on rose-colored glasses. They think it’ll be simple, happy, and carefree, and they are optimistic that they will quickly become a “family”. But the truth is, just as it takes years to become good friends with another person, it may take years for blending family relationships to form, bonding to happen, and trust to be established. The first two years may be the hardest, but statistics show that five years after a remarriage, the blending family is most often happy and stable. Patience, realistic expectations, and unconditional love are good rules of thumb.
The myth of the wicked stepparent: We’ve heard it in fairy tales and seen it in movies. But, most often, that’s a lie. Most stepparents desperately want to bond with their stepchildren. They want to love them, meet their needs, and become family. So when you see this myth in the media, call it what it is. Bring it to the attention of everyone, and dispel this ugly lie.
The myth of the deadbeat dad: Many, if not most fathers long to be with their children, provide for them, and remain a vital part of their lives. While some are aloof and uncaring, be careful not to cast this myth on your ex if he’s not and be sure you don’t expect your new husband to become aloof from his children because he now has a “new” family. Encourage dads to be involved, even affirm them for the steps they take to be close to their children.
What other myths do you face as a blending family? I’d love to know.
Blending Family Movies
There are lots of ways to start discussions with your children about remarriage and blending your family. One way is to watch some of the following blending family movies* together and then talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of the characters’ experiences. Take some time this summer, or all year long, to learn and talk together.
The Brady Bunch Movie: Thought I’d get this out of the way from the get go. While rather unrealistic, the Bradys are one of the first “blending families” on screen. The movie will give you some laughs, some groans, and some things to talk about.
Yours, Mine and Ours: The original version with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda and the newer version with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo both share the story of the chaos, struggles and emotions that blending families often face. There are lots of laughs but also some touching moments that will give you fodder for conversation.
StepMom: This movie is a story about the struggles faced between a biological mom and a stepmom that helps the viewers understand how difficult it is for parents, children and stepparents to find their roles in the blending family transition. The poignant story and its ending might help everyone in a blending family learn about their journey. (Rated P-13 for some language and some adult content.)
Mrs. Doubtfire: The challenges of custody is front and center in this funny and touching story of a father who wants to see his children so badly that he pretends to be a female nanny. Lots of issues can be addressed by watching this movie together.
One Fine Day: Even though this sweet movie is not so much about a blending family as about single parents trying to balance work and children and relationships, it can help kids see how difficult it is to juggle it all and may help them understand the complexities we all face.
The Parent Trap: Another good movie that shows how divorce leaves children longing for connection and how they’ll do just about anything to get parents back together. This movie can start discussions about missing a parent, the longing to get parents back together, and the need to work through it all together.
*Please review movies first and/or check out www.PluggedIn.com or other reviews before viewing movies with your kids.
What other blending family movies would you suggest? I’d love to know!