Copping an Attitude
I recently heard a thought-provoking quote: “Attitude is the librarian of our past, the speaker of our present, and the prophet of our future.” As we work with couples, we often find “attitudes” to be sticking points, so I’m pondering this one, especially regarding marriage.
Attitude is the librarian of our past? We tend to base our attitudes on all the volumes of information we’ve accumulated through our experiences with our family of origin, our parents, and past relationships. Based on our past, we think that our relationship should be this way or that, but why should we use those “chapters of our past” and compare our marriage with them? My mother never did that! My dad wouldn’t do it that way! But should we hold on to “attitudes” based on our past? My advice? Write your own book!
Attitude is the speaker of our present? As the years go by, there are personality quirks and “pet peeves” that tend to be part of who we are. But after years of those patterns, they can rub us the wrong way until we can cop a pretty lousy attitude toward our loved one. Why does he still leave the toilet seat up? or Why does she always fold the towels this way? Sometimes, maturity is holding our tongue and letting things like that go. In the scope of doing life together, there are so many things that we can file away in our mental and emotional libraries that can become just plain silly. Let them go!
Attitude is the prophet of our future? When a bad attitude becomes a regular habit, it can affect our relationship, sometimes irreparably hurting your marriage. Nagging. Put downs. Sacrasm. Condescension. These are toxic attitudes that can destroy your marriage if you let it. Just don’t!
Your attitude is an outward reflection of your heart, and it is reflected in your face, your countenance, and your words. But in the end, attitude is a choice! Right attitudes bring God’s favor, direction, and blessing, while bad attitudes have negative consequences.
Is there someone or something that is influencing your attitude? A friend? A TV show? Sin? 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be misled: ‘bad company corrupts good character’.”
Anchor your attitude—toward your mate and your marriage—in God’s truth. Allow God to influence the attitudes you have toward your spouse, and when you get a little off kilter (and we all do), simply repent and choose to turn your attitude around. Allow your heart to be transformed and your attitude and relationship will be transformed too.
How do you maintain a godly attitude toward your mate? I’d love to know.
A Marriage Made for More
What would marriage look like if we applied John 10:10 to it? “I have come that they may have life, and have life to the full.”
When a couple walks down the aisle on their wedding day, it’s their hope—and intention—that they’ll have a full and abundant marriage, a married life full of joy and peace, confidence and love. But as the days, months, and years go by, too often they simply get a little apathetic and settle for less.
That is not God’s plan for any marriage.
God wants each of us to live an abundant and full marriage. It takes work. It takes intentionality. And it takes lots of love and patience—and sometimes even longsuffering. But that’s just part of the marriage journey.
John 15:16-17 says, “I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.”
So how do we live in an abundant marriage, love each other, and as a couple bear fruit that will last?
First, know that you are made for a purpose as a couple. Pray together, and ask God to help you know what that purpose is. Ask Him to help you work on making your relationship more abundant every day. When you fail at any of this—and you will—know that God forgives, and be sure to forgive one another. Part of living an abundant marriage, a marriage that is made for more, has lots of forgiveness in it.
Second, we are made to participate in God’s plan. He wants every person on this planet to have His abundance, His “more”. And He has a role for each of us to play in His plan—a ministry for us to do. As a couple, what might that be? Dale and I have discovered that there is nothing more bonding than serving God together.
What can you do to share the truth that God wants every person, every couple to have more of His abundance? It might be mentoring younger couples, serving in the premarital or marriage ministry, watching the children so a young couple can have a date night. There are endless opportunities to help people along their journey to an abundant life.
Third, when things get tough in your marriage, stand on His promises, and know that He is with you. Know that He wants more for your marriage. Yes, there will be times of frustration and trouble, but He will be with you as you work together to discover that abundant life together. Hold on to a long-term view of your marriage, stand firm, and don’t give up.
What can you do today, this week, this month to have a full, abundant and “more” marriage? I’d love to know!
Don’t Let The Myths Get You Down
There are so many blending family myths out there—thoughts that cast dark shadows on the redemptive work God can do in a remarriage that is under His control. Sure, remarriage and blending a family is definitely more complex. But it can also be a place of healing, hope, and redemption like none other. So I’d like to address a few of these, just to bring a little perspective to the topic and to bring remarrying couples some blending family hope.
The myth of being forever broken: When a marriage ends, whether through death or divorce, there are hurts, healing, and adjustments to be made. But research shows that eighty percent of children do heal and recover—if they journey through it surrounded by love and security. So provide that safe haven, and hang in there for the long haul.
The myth of a seamless adjustment: When couples remarry, they often have on rose-colored glasses. They think it’ll be simple, happy, and carefree, and they are optimistic that they will quickly become a “family”. But the truth is, just as it takes years to become good friends with another person, it may take years for blending family relationships to form, bonding to happen, and trust to be established. The first two years may be the hardest, but statistics show that five years after a remarriage, the blending family is most often happy and stable. Patience, realistic expectations, and unconditional love are good rules of thumb.
The myth of the wicked stepparent: We’ve heard it in fairy tales and seen it in movies. But, most often, that’s a lie. Most stepparents desperately want to bond with their stepchildren. They want to love them, meet their needs, and become family. So when you see this myth in the media, call it what it is. Bring it to the attention of everyone, and dispel this ugly lie.
The myth of the deadbeat dad: Many, if not most fathers long to be with their children, provide for them, and remain a vital part of their lives. While some are aloof and uncaring, be careful not to cast this myth on your ex if he’s not and be sure you don’t expect your new husband to become aloof from his children because he now has a “new” family. Encourage dads to be involved, even affirm them for the steps they take to be close to their children.
What other myths do you face as a blending family? I’d love to know.
Blending Family Movies
There are lots of ways to start discussions with your children about remarriage and blending your family. One way is to watch some of the following blending family movies* together and then talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of the characters’ experiences. Take some time this summer, or all year long, to learn and talk together.
The Brady Bunch Movie: Thought I’d get this out of the way from the get go. While rather unrealistic, the Bradys are one of the first “blending families” on screen. The movie will give you some laughs, some groans, and some things to talk about.
Yours, Mine and Ours: The original version with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda and the newer version with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo both share the story of the chaos, struggles and emotions that blending families often face. There are lots of laughs but also some touching moments that will give you fodder for conversation.
StepMom: This movie is a story about the struggles faced between a biological mom and a stepmom that helps the viewers understand how difficult it is for parents, children and stepparents to find their roles in the blending family transition. The poignant story and its ending might help everyone in a blending family learn about their journey. (Rated P-13 for some language and some adult content.)
Mrs. Doubtfire: The challenges of custody is front and center in this funny and touching story of a father who wants to see his children so badly that he pretends to be a female nanny. Lots of issues can be addressed by watching this movie together.
One Fine Day: Even though this sweet movie is not so much about a blending family as about single parents trying to balance work and children and relationships, it can help kids see how difficult it is to juggle it all and may help them understand the complexities we all face.
The Parent Trap: Another good movie that shows how divorce leaves children longing for connection and how they’ll do just about anything to get parents back together. This movie can start discussions about missing a parent, the longing to get parents back together, and the need to work through it all together.
*Please review movies first and/or check out www.PluggedIn.com or other reviews before viewing movies with your kids.
What other blending family movies would you suggest? I’d love to know!
Reading Me
Ben is a salesman. He’s a verbal processer, a people person, and an extrovert. Jennifer is a journalistic processer, loves her time alone, and is more of an introvert. Even though their communication styles overlap and generally work well together, communication still takes a lot of effort.
“We’re both very affectionate people,” Jennifer says, “but Ben is really good at reading my body language. When I try to hide an irritation or something, he can see right through me. And he calls me on it.”
“Other times, we can miss or misinterpret those nonverbal signals,” Ben says. “Either I won’t see it in myself, or I’ll miss it in Jennifer. But all of this is so important in communication.”
As Ben affirms, in order to have healthy communication, open and honest transparency is necessary. You must walk your talk—your behavior, your facial expressions, and the tone of your voice must match what you say. “You’re right” can mean you are mad, sad, happy, afraid, humble, proud—depending on the way you say it and your body language.
Messages can get confusing when you say one thing but the inflection of your voice and your body signals say another. Statistics say that communication is thirty-eight percent tone, fifty-five percent body language and only seven percent words!
“When a situation with his girls is grieving Ben,” Jennifer says, “I’ll see that it’s weighing on him by his body language or other things. He might be quieter or more uptight or less engaged. During moments like that, I try to find a way to diffuse the situation and help him through it, whether that means talking about what’s going on or sending him off for a hike. Knowing what the other person needs and giving him the freedom to do what he needs to do is important.”
“Jennifer’s really good about helping me through things that I can’t even articulate,” Ben says. “I try to find balance to know what I can, and can’t, solve. And I try to let go of the things I can’t fix, which is really important in any divorce situation. I do what I can but put the rest in God’s care.”
Good communication is conveying what is in your heart and knowing that your future spouse lovingly receives it. When you express your thoughts and your future spouse listens and responds with feedback and understanding, you both become successful communicators and will grow closer in your relationship.
What tips do you have for deepening your communication? I’d love to know.
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2013, all rights reserved.
Committed for Life
In our living room is a symbol Dale and I used in our wedding. It’s a 3-fold cord of red, white and gold. For us, it symbolizes that commitment we made to marriage was not just between the two of us. The covenant is between three of us: with God at the center. The scripture says “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Ecc. 4:12. That’s how we want our commitment to be and that takes making daily choices to do so.
Of all the major decisions we make in life, making a commitment to get married is one of the most important and for some, the hardest. Hopefully, this decision is far more important than buying your first car or house or deciding where you’ll go on vacation.
A commitment to marry is more than just signing a contract. Marriage is a sacred covenant, a plan God created for our benefit. In the Bible, God made covenants with His people, but people like Jonathan to David, Ruth to Naomi and others made covenants too. They were committing to love, serve and care for each other. Covenant promises are unconditional—there is no escape clause and/or no money-back guarantees. It is made on the foundation of faith and love—and it is permanent.
Permanent is a word seldom used today. In our culture, everything seems disposable—even relationships. Everything seems like it’s based on what makes us feel good or is convenient for us personally. But God’s plan is so much bigger than that. Just as He has never left us or forsaken us, even in our worst sinful state, so He wants us to know and enjoy the permanence of an intimate relationship with our mate.
We all know couples, maybe even our own parents, who divorced. Maybe they just grew tired of each other. Maybe one of them “found someone new.” Whatever the reason, they broke the commitment they made to each other, and the painful consequences of their choice affected many others besides them. And that’s not God’s plan for any of us.
Hopefully, we also know couples who have been married for decades and are happy, despite the challenges they’ve faced through the years. Our friends just celebrated 55 years together! Bob and Gayle love each other dearly, are the closest of companions and deeply committed to each other. As Dale says, “When we grow up, let’s be just like them!” These are the kinds of couples who can give us hope for our marriages. As you journey through your marriage, find one or two couples who you can look to as a model of what marriage should look like, especially if healthy marriages have been rare in your life.
Who are your role models for marriage? Tell them what a blessing they are to you, and I’d love to hear more about how they made a difference in your marriage.
Adapted from Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2013, all rights reserved.